First off, I want to apologize for not posting in a while. Things have been hectic with unpacking and trip to San Antonio to visit John.
This posting is going to be a lot different. But I find it very therapeutic to write, so you all will be my sounding board.
A little over a year ago my husband returned from an 11 month deployment to Afghanistan. As a military spouse, we're all told that the number of months your soldier is deployed will be the number of months it takes for them to return to "normal". Well I am here to tell you, that is so far from the truth!
The experiences that John went through during his year in Afghanistan are completely beyond my ability to understand. I have no way of putting myself in his shoes, to understand how he feels or why reacts a certain way. I'm sad to say, he still, 12 months later, is suffering from some form of PTSD. But what's worse than the PTSD, is the fact that those experiences, and his time in Afghanistan have changed him so completely, that he really is no longer the same guy who left for war.
This change has been very difficult for me. I wish it were as easy as so many people lead me to believe it would be. I am having a very, VERY hard time adjusting to the "new" John. Still, 12 months later, we are adjusting. Not only is he a rougher, harder, more abrasive, more closed off version of himself, but he is also completely different in so many ways.
When he returned, I quickly wanted our lives to return to the way they were when he left. I knew I had changed, but I also knew I wanted our normal life again. The life where I didn't have to be 100% independent, and rely completely on myself for happiness. I also wasn't prepared to be the "rock" in our relationship for such an extended period of time. I would be lying if I said this hasn't taken it's toll on me.
The thing I am battling most is, how do I learn to adjust to this "new" guy whom I'm very comfortable with, whom I've been with for 12 years, whom is my very best friend? We still love each other deeply, and in a way that is enough. But for me, the things that fill my "love tank" he can't give me anymore. I know the answer is, I need to learn to find ways to make myself happy. I need to not rely on one person to bring me happiness or to define my self worth. It's so darn hard...............
In an effort to find ways to bring myself the emotional connection I'm missing, I recently started running. And oddly enough, it's given me something to strive for, and something to bring pride to myself. I think, right now, at this moment, it's helping to fill the void I'm missing, that John simply can't give to me right now.
This might seem like I'm complaining about my husband, but it's far from it. I'm just sad that war (even one that he signed up willing to fight), has taken so much not just from my husband, but from my family. And we're both learning to adjust and adapt to this new way of living. I know deep down he loves me, and he does show it. Just not always as much or in the ways I need him to show me.
John, if you read this, I hope you know how much I love you, and how happy I am that you are willing to try and step out of your comfort zone. I know it's scary, but it means a lot to me.
